COCKTALES II

Mandy was the new waitress at The HotBox when I caught her eye. This was perfect; after three weeks with Men In Heat, it was my first night with a hotseat. I’d be able to seduce her through fantasy. Though, with a cupid act requiring me to wear nothing but a red banana hammock in the end, I wouldn’t leave much to the imagination.

I had thrown a bunch of fantasy clichés together with a few R&B video ideas and things I’ve done in my past when I used to make love to girls. I had white silk sheets spread across an inflatable bed on stage with lotions and handcuffs hidden underneath that I would put on the girl in the hotseat chair as I shimmied around her to intoxicating bass rhythms. I would start out dressed in a white silk shirt and white linen pants. I had six lit purple candles planned to create a runway from the bed to the hotseat.

I didn’t have the best props, only because Leon told me to be ready for a hotseat at the last second. The stipulation being if Ricky had to work overtime for the AC/heating company he moonlighted with. These dudes took this dancing thing way too serious. You’d think dancing would be the moonlighting side gig. Oh, Leon also only promised a spot if enough girls showed up. So hoping for the best, I stopped at the nearest K-Mart and dollar store and collected whatever I could that looked sexy… and cheap.

I had been the bitch boy for the company since the day I signed up for the job. Good thing about it was that I observed; studying all the right moves and getting ideas for my own act. Yeah, and I was stuck picking up the dancers props and cleaning up the stage after they were done with their acts like some modern day Cinderfella. Luckily, I had been in the crowd enough to earn a few fans.

The wildest nights were Thursday nights. Those nights were strictly for the veterans. But tonight wasn’t Thursday. Tonight was Tuesday. Tuesday nights might have well been amateur night. The guys that barely showed up or were here one week and not seen again for another three months while they were on their benders would get a chance to dance… if there were enough girls. In my experience these last few Tuesdays, there was never a show. But Leon kept booking Tuesdays and the guys still showed up for nothing.

I didn’t care, though; this night was my debut as a headliner. I was sure that the stripping gods would have mercy on my schlong swinging soul to allow me to show Leon and the rest of the misfits that I belonged here. I was sure I’d outshine these chodes. It should have been the past week, but Leon had to cancel the show because only three girls showed up. “I’m telling you, Leon will cut a show in a heartbeat if it doesn’t benefit him,” Dexter warned me during our brief introduction that first day I showed up to “apply” for the position.

HotBox obviously wasn’t the cash cow of MIH, but I couldn’t care less. I wanted the world of male dancing to know I was women’s gift from God. A God named Hailey who in one night transformed me into a money hungry attention whore, eager to live out my lie… kinda. And with the advice she gave me when I inquired about her sugar daddy, I was slowly building my clientele and bank account.

“So, Alex, do we finally get to see that ass tonight or what?” One of the ten women in attendance asked between puffs of her cigarette. “Yeah, it’s my first one,” I answered eagerly. “Uh, obviously. And I hope I get it,” she spouted as she began to straighten out her money on the table.

The sight of money and the fact that I’d be up first made me nervous. But I tried to center my energy. I looked around at the other dudes who seemed far to relax to even care. They were used to coming to this dump of a bar for nothing. None of the headliners like Brett Lee ever worked The HotBox. This is where you made your bones as a male dancer. It was really a test to test your dedication. If you couldn’t deal with $10 nights and possible cancellations, than you definitely wouldn’t make it to The Ten Gallon. That was the country rock club down the street. Yet, that was too far into the near future of my success. I had to focus right now, though.

So I did what I always had done when I thought I might be a little scared; I put my confidence in a girl. What I was focused on was Mandy and getting her home tonight. She had the usual club waitress uniform on: tight black shirt and tight black pants. She was a thick girl and her pants were extra tight. She definitely had kids from the looks of her hips and she had an ass you could see from the front. Her breast; DD, 38 I think. And that might be off a cup, I wasn’t sure with the poorly lit club and all. She was mixed Puerto Rican and Dominican with dark brown hair slicked back into a high ponytail that hung to the top of her ass. Her skin was dark olive and had she a fresh set of manicured hot pink and yellow nails with tiny rhinestones glued on. She was the epitome of a Latin girl. She was from the block. And she would be my first piece of Latin ass. (No, I never got it in with Hailey. After the topic of money came up, it was all M.O.P.)

Mandy came into the kitchen, which also served as our dressing room and asked us if we wanted anything to drink. “Just some water will be fine,” Leon replied.

“I’ll have a Coors,” said Lance.

“You’re not suppose to be drinking during the shows,” Leon reminded him.

“Dude, the show hasn’t even started. Besides, this is HotBox.” Lance took any opportunity to disregard Leon’s authority. He’s been taking every shot he could ever since the situation with Dexter. Those two were inseparable. Their friendship was a little beyond bromance, but just short of homoerotic. More like left nut, right nut.

“What about you?” Mandy turned to me and asked. I took a minute to catch my breath. Not because she was that hot; she was about a 7.8. I was winded from blowing up the cumbersome bed. “Water is fine,” I told her.

As she walked away, all the guys stopped rummaging through their dance bags and silenced their side conversations to watch her leave, as she swished her hips. SHWISH, SHWISH, SHWISH, SHWISH. When she was out of sight, Lance rang out, “Bitch got a faaaaaaaaaaaat ass!” Lance gave meathead Brandon a high five as if he just told the best joke ever. This guy must have just lost his virginity when he became a dancer. That or just got released from prison… nah, Lance was to pretty to have survived ass rape. Actually, as I got to know a lot of the guys, many of them reminisced about high school and how most of them had steady girlfriends, half of which had to wait until prom to get some. It was a collection of losers turned gods, according to the way they tell it. Brandon wasn’t impressed but empathetically returned the high-five. Brandon was more laid back. He had a daughter with a stripper, who had left them both a year ago when he worked as a mechanic. He was a good guy in the wrong place… always.

“Come on, man. You telling me you wouldn’t hit that?” Lance nudged my shoulder expecting an answer. Winded again, I looked up after finally blowing up the bed and replied, “I intend to. Tonight,” I answered confidently.

“Oh, so you got game like that, dude? Okay, okay…we’re gonna see.” I didn’t know if that was a challenge, a threat, or a random thought. I was too focused on his teeth when he spoke. He had a mouth full of them…make that two mouths full of teeth. Pointy, too. A bear trap of a mouth. I think I’ll call him Sharky.

Mandy turned the corner of the stainless steal sink where the door led into the smoking session and brought us a 12 case of water for the evening. “Where’s my beer?” Lance cried.

“Leon said you couldn’t drink.”

Lance…Sharky walked up to her until he stood half a foot away, because her breasts wouldn’t let him get any closer. Yeah, DDD, now I remember. Staring down at her he spoke low, “Listen sweetheart. I’m a grown ass man. I would like to enjoy a beer before the show, amongst other things.”

He smirked a mischievous smile at her, careful not to smile too wide, as he rubbed her arm with his hand and caressed her ass with his other hand. “I am not about to get fired tonight,” she confessed.

“By who? Leon? He’s our manager, not your boss,” Sharky reasoned.

She surrendered a smile and slyly moved out of his reach, discreetly shoving his hands off. I’m convinced there was a shortage of dentists in this city because when Mandy smiled, I noticed her front right tooth was chipped at a right angle in the middle. Everyone seemed to have jacked up teeth, actually. I returned my eyes to her mounds and then to her hips. I looked up at her face again. She was smiling down at me now.

“Rookie, get ready. We’re having a show,” Leon informed me as he came rushing from the kitchen door.

As the show progressed, I constantly made eye contact with her when she came to serve tables, carefully maneuvering around them to not shake them with her 48-inch ass. Each set I scoped the room through the stage lights to keep the heat of my gaze on her. Every time she saw me looking at her, she smiled. My act came and went. It was decent. All ten of the ladies were cheering throughout my dance. It was auctioned off and sold for $5. Not bad. I had heard storied of guys performing their first acts here and the DJ having to bribe a lady into the hotseat with free shots. I earned $67 that night, $55 after tipping out the DJ and buying a Corona.

After we had finished the show and mingled with the groupies long enough, I found my way towards Mandy. “What time do you get off?” I asked.

“At 11, why?” She responded.

“Good that’s in 17 minutes. Maybe we can go get a drink,” I continued. GO get a drink? It sounded cool, but the only place I’d be able to buy her a drink would be if I bought it from her. Maybe I should have asked her out to coffee and a cosmetic dental appointment instead.

“I don’t drink.” Good, I was off the hook.

“Then we can just hang out and talk,” I persisted.

“I’d have to make sure my babies’ father can watch them the whole night.” Baby’s? Or babies’, I wondered. We talked while she finished busting tables. She told me she had two kids, as I suspected.

“Babies’ father or boyfriend?”

“No, just babies’ father.” To me that just meant that her pussy was out on loan. Oh, well. I don’t mind a loaner snatch. I told her I’d wait for her in my car and went outside.

I exited the club and instantly could smell the cigarette smoke oozing from my clothes. I was starting to hate that about working in bars. You always left smelling like an ashtray. So I reached in my pocket and pulled out my menthols. I lit my cigarette and inhaled. I felt the warm cloud filling my jowls. I sat in the driver’s seat with the door open. I looked around the gravel parking lot. I didn’t see any of the guys’ cars around. They must have left quickly, not scouting anything worth chalking up inside.

“You shouldn’t smoke,” Mandy surprised me.

“I know. Just a bad habit I picked up at my last job.”

“You ready?”

“Did you already call your man…babies’ father I mean?” I joked.

“Yeah, I told you it was cool.”

“You gonna leave your car here, or we riding together?”

“He dropped me off, I don’t have a car.”

“Let’s go then.”

On the ride home, both of our clothes flooded the car with the stench of nicotine. I drove on the highway the windows cracked. It was humid for a late spring night and I didn’t want to turn off the AC. I hoped her nipples would get hard. We talked a little about where we grew up; where our parents were from, spoke in Spanglish showing off our bilingual skills, getting formalities out of the way. I really can’t remember a whole lot of what was said. The whole ride to my house, I kept thinking about a porno I’d seen that had won a Porny award for best script:

Woman: “Blah, blah, blah. You wanna fuck?”

Man: “Blah, blah, blah. Why yes I do.”

(Cue the funky 70s guitar rift and cheesy sex faces.)

When we got to my apartment I turned the TV on and handed her the remote. I wasn’t planning on watching, I just had to keep her occupied while I changed and went to the bathroom to rinse my taint. I hope she sucks balls.

I returned to the room wearing only my mesh basketball shorts. I didn’t want to make it too difficult for her. “It’s hot in here. Don’t you got AC?” She questioned.

“Yeah, but I don’t like running it when I’m not home. I’m always out and about so that’s why it’s hotter than Hades in here.” Not even 10 minutes in and she was a whiny little bitch. Why? She knew what time it was, but she kept talking about something. I can’t remember. It sounded something like:

Mandy: “Womp, Womp, Womp. Blah, blah, blah.”

Me: “Blah, blah, blah. Just take off your clothes if you’re so hot.”

Mandy: “Blah, blah, blah. *giggle, giggle.* Womp. Ok. Blah, blah.”

(Cue snaggle tooth smile and Romper Room chimes.)

It took her a while to peel her shirt over her voluptuous breasts. One covered boob popped out after another the way you’d imagine fish eggs coming out of a fish twat. I licked my lips. She was wearing two bras, a black bra underneath with lint balls on the straps and a powder blue sports bra on top. Okay, make that E or EE or F; I don’t know. She definitely had more than a mouth full. Bless her children’s hearts.

Yanking her pants off around her hips and rounded ass was even more of a task. I couldn’t wait too much longer so I started helping her. I thought about getting the PAM from the kitchen to speed up the process. She had gray boy-cut Champion underwear on. I didn’t know whether to take the remaining items off or take her jogging. I turned the lamp off because while she wrestled with her one-size-fits-most apparel, I noted she had dimples on the side and back of her thighs as if she’d been hit with a sack of nickels. She also had stretch marks webbing on the sides of her torso that made her look like Google Maps. This didn’t bother me much. I wasn’t planning on caressing her, anyways.

(Cue panty dropping here. Proceed to her taking of my basketball shorts. Lower bodies to the carpet, and… ACTION!)

She straddled me. She was a little heavy and her thighs smothered my hips. I helped her out of her bras and felt her breasts flop warmly onto my chest. I caught a glimpse of them through the moonlight that sleeked in through the venetian blinds in my living room. She had some big, dark areolas.

(Cue funky 70s guitar rift.)

Fast Forward 15 minutes later. Missionary position--

Mandy: “Blah, blah, blah. You feel so good”

Me: “I know… I know.”

I woke up early the next morning, sweating. Not because of the night of passionate sex, but because she produced a lot of body heat. We had pulled the throw blanket off of the couch and were spooning underneath. My right arm was stretch out underneath her head. My bicep was now asleep and tingling. I lifted my arm and her head plopped onto the carpet. I had drool on my forearm. Nice. Her hair still reeked of bar smoke. I’m sure I smelled of roses, myself. I hopped up and put my shorts on. The ass part stuck to my ass. I forgot I blew my load into them. She wasn’t a swallower. Bitch. And to think, there are children starving in Cambodia. I started for the kitchen.

“Oh shit!”

Javi was at the kitchen counter eating a Pop-Tart. “What the hell are you doing here? You scared the shit outta me,” I whispered out.

“I still have the key.” Javier had crashed at my apartment for a few months towards the end of my deployment when he wasn’t getting along with his girlfriend. I had given him a key before I left so he could check my mail and drop in on my place every now and then. He also used it for his own personal sexcapades. I know because he had left my camcorder hidden in the plastic fichus tree by the window. I should’ve turned it on last night after I washed my sack.

“Who’s that?”

“Some girl that works at the club I worked from last night.”

“Oh yeah, how’d you do?”

“Made about 50 bucks.”

“That’s cool. What’s her name?”

“Mandy I think. Or Amanda. Maybe Amy.”

“Mandy… Amy… baby! Baby is her name. That’s what I call them when I can’t remember their names.”

“So, what the hell?”

“I didn’t go home last night. I just came back from some girl’s house.”

“Word!”

I walked past him and opened the refrigerator. I gulped down the last third of orange juice in the carton. Javi was staring at Mandy who had managed to yank the blanket it off. She had rolled over onto her stomach and was spread eagle with her feet facing us. Did I mention she was stark naked still.

He continued to chew with pastry. “You’re gonna have to go to the room until she wakes up,” I told him. He turned around with a disappointed look. He grabbed his keys off the counter, jingling them loudly on purpose, and headed to the door.

All of sudden, the earth shook. FRAAAAMP, FRAAAAAAAP!

It sounded like a Mack truck hitting the Jake break. Javi pasted himself against the wall and I ducked, still suffering from PTSD and thinking we were being shelled. Mandy had started to stir. After our pulse returning to manageable beats, Javi began to suppress a laugh. He covered his mouth, but he couldn’t help but to burst out into a monkey of a laugh before he ran for the door, slamming it behind him.

I was flabbergasted; my jaw hung low. Mandy stirred harder before waking up, squinting her eyes and scrunching her nose. She took two quick sniffs. She turned around and looked at me with blood-shot eyes. I looked back at her, still shocked and still squatting.

*Fweep!* A tiny fart bubble escaped my sphincter. She looked at me with pure, honest disgust.

“You’s a nasty dude, yo. Take me home.”

Banana Hammocks - Chapter 2

"Firm and Smooth"

Her dance was as exotic as her appearance. She had great stage presence and when it was her set, everyone in the club stopped all side conversations to watch. She was Latin, with dark brown hair-almost black-that shimmered auburn when the revolving stage lights passed over her. The nice curvature of an ass, hips wide enough to be considered child bearing, and D cups shimmered even in bar lighting. Man, were those breasts nice. They looked fresh; not sure if they were saline or silicon, though. They almost looked natural. She began winding her body to the hypnotic beat of the music slithering from the stage speakers, catching eye contact from all the johns with those deep brown pupils. We were all entranced and in unison began showering the stage with dollar bills of all denominations. She had no obvious physical flaws. She must be psycho or needy or damaged. She wore clear platform heels making her stand nearly five-nine and wore white fishnets and G-string that glowed under the backlights. She was the most beautiful creation of a woman I’d ever seen. Where was she from and do they manufacture more?

“Everyone, give it up for La Reyna,” the DJ encouraged as she collected her earnings, exiting stage left. She retreated to the backstage through the door at the other corner of the stage. “Man, she was great,” I turned to Reggie who was also captivated but less impressed. “Yeah man, she was ‘great’.”

I ignored his sarcasm. “I’m gonna get a dance from her.” I eagerly got up and headed toward the back of the club where the private dance rooms were located barricaded by sheer satin curtains. I told the obese door man I wanted to request Reyna for three dances. “$225 up front. Tipping is optional, but expected,” he advised. “Ok, let me go to the ATM.”

Without blinking, I headed for the entrance where the ATM machine greeted all the johns as they barged into Club Neon in the unincorporated community of Brandon. I couldn’t punch in my PIN fast enough before finally withdrawing $300, the max my bank would allow me for one day. Thankfully, I already had $200 in my pocket but I was waiting to burn that on drinks and tips. Little did I know that topless gentlemen clubs down here didn’t serve alcohol. The drunken bachelor party that had come in before us when we arrived threw me off. They must have pre-gamed at another bar, because when I approached the bar earlier to order a Long Island Ice Tea, the bartender suggested the tea, hold the Long Island.

Returning to the ogre door man, I repeated my request like a kid who had just chased down the ice cream truck. “$225 up front,” he reminded me. “Yeah, you said that a few minutes ago,” I replied not realizing that he cared more about the faces on the bills rather than the pathetic looks of us johns. “Stay close, she’ll be available in 15.”

Damn, she was definitely one of the more sought after girls here. I looked over at Reggie who had begun a conversation with the skinny blonde rocker stripper who was on stage now, but no one else cared much for. He was chatting it up, making her giggle. That must be the interest trick to get sympathy dollars out of customers, giggling. He tossed her a few. The bachelor party had four other girls tending to them. One girl had the groom-to-be take off his shirt and whipped his flabby stomach with his belt. The other guys cheered her on. He too had a natural set of man-titties. A bouncer walked over and scolded the group, informing Klinefelter (Google it, it's actually a funny disease to have) that he had to put his shirt back on and they needed to take it down a notch or he’d have to ask them to leave.

“Hey, you ready?” A soft but commanding Spanish accent asked me. I turned towards the sweet smell of cherry blossoms floating from behind me. Reyna was waiting impatiently, as she knew she had many more guys waiting for her services that would cash out real nice. Especially the confident man sitting on the plush sofa next to the curtains in a pinstriped tailored suit. He was the only one she batted an eyelash at. That must be her sugar daddy. “Yeah,” I squealed. Man, what the hell is wrong with me? I was acting like a bitch. I’d already been 30 plus strong on my roster . I’d seduced girls before, and being a jock in high school plus a promising student had given me the best of both worlds. Had I left my balls in the desert?

She led me to the last booth on the right. She shut the curtain behind her and I was now cocooned by her pheromones. “What are you wearing? It smells good,” I asked. “I think it’s called Pheromones.” Hmm, clever.

“I’ll wait ‘til the next song starts. This one is almost done. I wouldn’t want to cheat you.” Quite a business lady, I was impressed. I felt respected and insured that my money was going to be well spent on her services. While the song finished, she took of her white see-through sheer cloak.

“Are you wearing a belt?”

“Huh?”

“Are you wearing a belt? I don’t want the buckle to scratch me.”

“Oh! Yeah.” I started for my buckle but she had already lifted the bottom of my shirt for inspection. In two motions, she unfastened the lock and pulled the belt out with a swipe. A she-Pootie Tang.

As the next song faded in, she turned around and rocked her hips left to right, right to left. She began her trance again. She bent her knees and leaned back to sit on my lap. “What are the rules?” I whispered in a more relaxed and slightly deeper voice. “You can touch only what’s not covered,” she replied. Perfect, she was only wearing a G-string and heels, and I didn’t have a foot fetish, so I wasn’t disappointed.

She slowly slid up and down my body. Her hair engulfed my nostrils with scents of raspberry and vanilla. Her skin was pleasantly soft, and covered in body glitter. I didn’t mind her leaving her sex dust on one of my nicer-expensive shirts. I cupped her Ds and massaged them in circular patterns. I rubbed her stomach and spread my hands across her hips. She turned around to straddle me and I naturally clasped her butt. Firm and smooth. She must do squats. She probably owns her own elliptical machine. Hovering over me, she dipped her head slightly and draped her hair over my face. That raspberry-vanilla essence entered my nose again; seeping out of the corners of my mouth. And I melted like a bitch, again. This is what girls must feel like during that scene in The Notebook… or so I’ve heard.

The song ended. I could have sworn that track played longer on the radio. As the next song started I decided to explore her personality… or character. “Where are you from? Puerto Rico, Mexico, the Dominican Republic?”

“You think they got asses like this in Mexico?”

“I know they have burros.” She stopped grinding me for a second, looked back and smirked. Note to self: STOP BEING A FUCKING CORNBALL.

“No, sweetie, I’m Cuban.”

“What?! Stop, get up.”

“You got something against Cubans?” She protested, looking confused.

“No no no. I want to talk to you. I’m Cuban, too. But where I’m from, I never meet other Cubans. This is awesome.” Note to self: See previous note.

“You got a song and a half left.”

“That’s fine. I’ll pay for more time.”

“I got a line, honey, I don’t think you’ll be able to request me again for another two hours. Plus, I still have more sets tonight. How about I finish up this session and I’ll find you before I go back on stage?”

“Word!” I was again impressed by her business ethics. For the remainder of my dances, I was in bliss. Not only was she the sexiest dancer here, but she was of my maternal land, and quite possibly ancestral blood. Wait, that sounded sick. DELETE. What I meant to say is that more than my attraction and infatuation connected for her connected us.

As my session came to a close, I remembered I had wads of 10s in my pocket. I gladly handed them over. “I’ll be to the right of the stage,” I informed her so that she could find me easily. She probably wouldn’t remember. Did I weird her out? No way, I’m sure there have been worse johns. “Okay,” she replied. “You want a drink or something?” I asked. That sounded cool, but of course I’d only be able to get her soda or water. “Water is fine, thanks.”

I started walking by the booths towards the curtains. I glanced as I passed each one being able to see blurred figures of skin maneuvering around clientele as Reyna had done with me just a few minutes ago. Each man fulfilling his five minute fantasy, finding his own connection.

I headed towards Reggie to tell him the news. “How was it?” He smirked. “She’s Cuban, too,” I informed him. I told him how she was going to meet me before her next set to talk a little, flirt, liquefy me of my savings. I casted doubt, though.

“Yeah, she probably won’t come. You ready? I’m starving,” he moaned.

“Hold on, let’s stay for another 15 minutes and if she doesn’t come by, we’ll leave.” I stood up and remembered to buy her bottled water. I ordered a Pepsi. "We only serve Coke products,” the bartender informed me.

“Whatever. Hey, do you know much about that Reyna girl?” I asked.

“There are so many girls here and most of the girls that dance here work at other clubs, too. Do you know how many assess and titties I see a week?”

Good point. Note to self: Achieve the ass to titty to face ratio like the bartender. I brought the bottle water and Coke back to the table.

“Alex, I’m really hungry man. Let’s go, “ Reggie complained.

“Hold on, man, let me finish my drink.”

“You got me water?”

“No, it’s for Reyna.”

“You bought the stripper water? What a fag. She probably has a cooler full of bottled water in the back. We need to go. She probably already forgot about you.”

“The bartender basically told me that the club doesn’t usually house dancers. She might be somewhere else tomorrow night.”

“The bartender? No, the soda and water guy. Who cares? This is the sixth club we’ve been to in four days. We’ll probably run into her again if that’s the case.”

“You forgot your belt.” I had stopped listening to Reggie when she approached the table. He got up to let her sit and moved towards the stage past the bachelor party that was still entertaining a couple of the dancers.

“Thank you. But I didn’t forget it. I wanted you to have an excuse to come see me.” Yeah, keep up the smoothness, Mac Daddy.

“I told you I would. What? You didn’t think I’d remember?”

“I just knew you were busy.”

“Yeah, I go on in five minutes.”

“I’m probably leaving soon. Here’s your water.”

“Thanks. So you’re not from Hillsborough, huh?”

“No, North Carolina. I’m just down here for vacation. I just returned from deployment.”

“You a Marine?” She perked up for a moment, hoping I’d confirm her guess.

“No, Army. National Guard.” I sensed a hint of disappointment. Poughs never get any love.

“That’s cool. I bet you seen a lot of shit. What else do you do?”

I could have told her that I was a student at a prestige college and that I had a part-time job as a butcher’s bitch boy that re-stocked the meat racks when the lunchmeat was low and spent my days checking expiration dates and marking down prices. “I’m in the exotic entertainment, too.”

“Really? You a dancer, too?”

“No, I’m an escort. But it’s not like the escort service you here about in the movies or the kind they have in Vegas or New York.” I had looked up escort services on Wikipedia after I had ordered an escort before going to Iraq and all she did was give me a three-minute lap dance when I was expecting a BJ. In Texas, apparently, the profession escort is loosely defined. I should have just crossed the border for a toothless, worm guzzling hooker.

“So you don’t…like sleep with women for money?”

“No, I’m not a gigolo. I usually just show up and dance in small little underwear. Banana hammocks if you will.” She laughed. I laughed. We laughed. My balls vibrated in my sack.

“I’ll have to come up there one day and order you,” she teased. We talked for a couple of more minutes. “I take it Reyna isn’t your real name?” I ask. “No, it’s my stage name. Oh shit, I’m on stage next,” she remembered. “Listen, I gotta go.” She snatched the moist napkin from under my drink. “Here, I’m off tomorrow. Maybe we can hook up and continue this conversation. You can show me your moves,” she teased. She reached in her small pocket book that was only big enough to contain her earnings, lip-gloss, and a pen. Maybe a condom for Mr. Big Shot Sugar Daddy. She pulled out her pen and quickly scribbled on the napkin, avoiding the ring made by the condensation of the cup.

She trotted off and the DJ introduced her, “Fellas, here she comes again. She’s five foot nine and oh, so divine. Give it up for the Latina Heat, Rrrrrreyna!”

How the hell did I just pull that off? I know I’m a good looking guy but God damn she’s a goddess. For the next few seconds I imagined that my God looked like Reyna. I couldn’t wait to die and spoon with God. I snapped back from my daze and realized I had just spent $350 on her in under two hours. Hell, in under two minutes. I continued to gawk at her as she swayed on stage in front of her pinstriped sugar daddy, who was making it rain Franklins. Meanwhile, he bachelor was making it rain vomit on the table next to me before Shrek came and jerked him out of the club.

“You got the number?” asked Reggie.

“Yeah.”

“Good let’s go now, my stomach is gurgling. The last stripper probably thought I was muffling farts.”

Before putting the napkin in my pocket, I examined it for legitimacy, to see if she stepped out of her costume for just a second to let me into her world.

I’d give Hailey a call tomorrow.

COCKTALES

I had just returned from the war. After a year and a half of smoldering desert heat, working day after scouring day, the last thing I wanted to do was go back to working long hours in the meat room for some chump minimum wage. I still had a good ten thousand saved up of Uncle Sam’s tax-free dollars, so I reported back to work just to tell them I was back but I wanted to take a couple of weeks off before I worked again. Plus I had school coming up again and I deserved a break. My supervisor told me it wouldn’t be a problem and offered a recommendation.“Why don’t you head down to Tampa? They got shake joints on every corner.”

I had been away 18 months without even smelling a decent woman, let alone seeing one dressed in nothing but stilettos and fishnets. Well, unless you count the black market skin-a-max DVDs I bought from the locals off the side of the road.

Without haste, I went to my place to plan a relaxing vacation of sun, sand, and debauchery. I called my cousin, Javier, to see if he was interested in joining me. Unfortunately, his fiancé, who was pregnant with his third child, knew us all too well. She knew my intentions and sensed a horrible spiral of events. Hell, in high school, we were the hormonal duo the girls used to hide from. It was said that if you hadn’t fallen victim to one of our charms, you knew someone who did. Whether they’d admit to it or not… well, everyone lies on their dick at some point in their life, right? So anyway, she could pretty much imagine what our itinerary would consist of. I politely asked her if Javi could borrow his balls for a week. But she wasn’t going to risk it and told me to fuck off and enjoy catching herpes B.

Damn it, I needed someone to buy my drinks so I wouldn’t have to spend all of my trick money. Next, I tried McGirt…even though he’s broke. He’d just have me driving around searching for prostitutes to flirt with. I’d heard too many tales about convincing looking transvestites. I didn’t really want to take a chance on having to drop kick a woman in her balls, but I needed a wingman. Of course, he had no money to go and would need me to spot him. Survey says… XX.

As I was thinking of a worthy wingman and navigator for my 18-hour road trip along I-95, one of my ex’s older brother called me up. Even though Reggie’s sister and I didn’t work out, we remained close. We kept in touch for the last five years and occasionally he’d sneak Javi and me into the clubs with him when we were still in high school. This was perfect. Reggie was in his mid-thirties and laid back. Anything that I could possibly put him through would be a rerun for him. Nothing would occur that got him so upset that he couldn’t control himself.

He once dated a stripper who would get drunk after her sets and while he waited for her, she’d purposely flirt with the john sitting next to him in attempts to make him jealous. Firing back, Reggie would go up to the stage and toss 1s on any stripper (with his girl’s money, mind you) and later get some head in the champagne room. Eventually, though, he grew tired of the bar scene one Saturday night, dumped the slore, and ironically found his future wife at church the following Sunday.

I remembered that Reggie had family in Clearwater. “Reg, I’m taking a trip down to Tampa. Want to come?” I prayed he wasn’t too pussy whipped these days to go, or else I’d have to take the trip myself, hoping that my mature-for-my-age looks would bypass being carded at the Publix when I tried to buy some hard lemonade. I was only 20 at this time.

“I’m game, man. When we leaving?” he agreed.

We arrived in Ybor City at 11 in the morning. Mid-day happy hour. We stopped at a few bars and filled up on rumrunners and imported beer at the convenient open-air bars. There’s nothing like Florida air. Right before the daily mid-afternoon rain that washes away the early day’s stress and freshens up the tourists and locals alike for the sunset festivities in the spring nights. The Gulf winds sweeping across to the east, filling the air with that sweet salt mist. The sight of palm trees and lizards gliding up and down the bark puts me in nostalgia of being in the islands. It’s the exoticness of the New World at the heels of America. Poetic ain’t it?

We spent a few hours people watching, flirting with honeys, cruising two miles an hour so everybody saw us. It would have been a lot better if we put any efforts into trying to pick up girls. But by this point, the alcohol was mixing with our fatigue and we were on the brink of incoherency. I had already stumbled over three patio tables and a 6-year-old kid. We needed to make it to Reggie’s cousin house quick to activate Operation Ass-to-Face.

Reggie got us to Tampa by midnight. He took the back roads since we had drank so much and wanted to avoid any inkling of authority as much as possible. Though I had fewer beverages, my tolerance had been much lower due to the dry Arabic culture. Reggie’s cousin, Herm, offered us his guest room and told us that if we were up to it, we could go golfing in the morning. I was in town for booties, not bogies. The only holes I wanted to fill with my balls weren’t made of canisters. I had something better planned, anyways.

I called up this girl I had gone to high school with, who had moved to Brendon after we graduated. We kept in contact while I was away talking a lot about “what ifs”. She always made sure to let me know that if I were to ever in town to call her up. For her, I was the challenge she never conquered. For me, it was warm ups. So at about 1:34 am I put my running shoes and sweatband on.

“You sleeping?”

“Who’s this? It’s like 2 in the morning.”

“1:35 really. It’s Alex.”

“What the hell? Are you back in the States?”

“Yeah. Yours actually.”

“Really? For how long? We should get together for lunch or something tomorrow.”

“It’s technically already tomorrow and we should cut the bullshit. How about we meet now?”

“I gotta work in the morning.”

“I won’t keep you long.” Honestly I wouldn’t. I hadn’t had sex with anyone other than Deborah and Sammie in over a year. Don’t act like you don’t name your hands…"I’m ready to subdue to your will.”

Subdue to your will? What a fucking tool. I really did say that, though. Liquor talk…

“You’re cute. I’m off on Tuesday, so we can hang out tomorrow night.”

“Yeah, OK. Just call me up when you’re ready.”

The next day Reggie and I woke up around 12. Parched and hungry, we skipped showers and drove over to the pizza restaurant on Del Mabry for the lunch buffet. I didn’t hesitate to stack two plates immediately with the imaginative array of pizzas. When I sat down, I couldn’t scarf the food down fast enough. I felt as if I hadn’t eaten for months. I slammed down a whole pitcher of cola. I felt like the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Tunes. Reggie, at a steadier pace, cleared his throat and informed me that our waitress had come over while I was eating with my eyes and had asked if I was taken. “Which one?” I asked as my hunger switched to scavenger hunter. “The black one with the booty.”

She had a slender figure with humble breasts. Large B, could pass for C. And indeed, she had a booty. Her hair was long and pulled back in corn-rows. She had a smooth dark chocolate complexion and hands fit for caressing. She returned to refill my pitcher. “You need some more napkins?” In my gorging and gawking, I had forgotten to wipe my mouth smeared with tomato paste and a strand of cheese connecting my goatee to my inner cheek. She pointed to her chin and giggled, indicating that I had something on my face, you know the gesture. I wiped the marinara from my jowls with my arm hair. I looked at her nametag to make my first line more personal. “Why yes, Diedra, I do. That way you have something to write your number on.” Look, I’m never going to claim I’m some Don Juan, but I do know certain looks in a girl’s eyes, and she had the fucking look in her eye. So, when you see that look, it doesn’t matter if you speak caveman to the chick, you’re going to get from her what she wants more from you.

She smirked before taking our dirtied plates and returning to the kitchen. “Was that the one you used on my sister?” Reggie joked.

“It wasn’t as difficult. All I had to do was unzip my pants for her.”

I hurried to switch topics, as I knew I’d gotten too cocky when I saw Reggie’s expression change. “I’ve never really picked up a random chic. I usually meet my girlfriends or acquaintances through other people.”

It’s true. Before Facebook, I was like a real live social networking player. But Reggie reminded me that I had just gotten back from being around an abundance of sausage and not enough roast beef lips, “You should be functioning on instincts.”

This was true. Maybe it wasn’t the look in her eyes that had my hormones revving. Maybe it was Darwin’s sexual instinct of the fittest—because the Catholic Church probably published his books, don’t feel stupid if you never got a chance to learn this part of Darwinism. It’s true, though, I promise.

The waitress returned with fresh plates and napkins. She hadn’t written her number on the top one. I was convinced I was lame. But I didn’t expect it to work anyway. I had some ass lined up later and money to spend on strippers I’d never see again and who’d forget me within three steps of walking away. After placing our plates down, she leaned over and whispered in my ear, “We have clean bathrooms.” I watched her walk back toward the kitchen, but turned right to go into the bathroom. She began to untie her apron as she walked in.

“What did she say?” Reggie asked.

“I’ll be back.”

I still wasn’t old enough to go into clubs, but I’d heard of bathroom stall hookups. This was my JV to repetitive feats of that years from now. I pushed the door open and saw a pair of shoes underneath the furthest stall, the one with the handle bars beside the toilet, with an “Out of Order” sign hanging from the door. I locked the door behind me and walked into the stall.

She wrapped her arms around my neck and began kissing me feverishly. She kissed my neck, sucked my… lower lip, a little nibble to the left ear, back to my neck. I pressed her against the tiled wall and began to unbutton her white dress shirt. I moved my hand inside her shirt reaching for her bra hooks. I tried something I had envisioned in my mind many times before; I went to unhook her bra with one flick of my fingers. I thought this would be a real smooth move. It couldn’t get any worse, I was already getting it in.

It worked. I fondled her breasts and softly twisted her nipples. Is that even arousing, I wondered? What can you really do with nipples besides lick them and maybe the occasional light bite? She began unzipping my pants and reached in. I was correct; her hands were built for caressing. I began to unbutton her pants and slid them down to her thigh where they fell on command.

As we stood there finger banging each other* through our underwear, I could feel her getting really moist. I rubbed a little harder. I wanted all that wetness to seep through and in between my fingers. I was almost certain I wouldn’t get to penetrate her. I just knew I’d end up cumming on myself first.

Then something stung my nostrils. An odorous rust smell. Pungent, like fish washed up on the beach baking in the sun, mixed with sweaty feet. I looked down and pulled my fingers out. Before I looked at them, I caught a glimpse of the embarrassed look on her face. Oh fuck!

My fingers were smeared with blood and the front of her panties was stained dark red with an orange tint ring around it. “What…the fuck!?”

“It doesn’t bother me, if it doesn’t bother you,” she said with a grimace.

I was dumbfounded. This had happened to me before. Kind of… bu that's another story I won’t tell. Let’s just say I’ve already earned my red wings.

I stormed out of the stall, slamming its door behind me. The acoustics of the bathroom reverberated the clang. I struggled to snap the other door unlock and forcibly pulled it open. I marched towards the table, trying to zip my pants up with one hand.

Reggie looked confused and impressed all at once. “I already got the check, playa.” He looked at my blood stained hand.. and pants. "Holy shit, are you ok? What happened?"

“Let’s go.”

I grabbed the napkins.

*I finger banged her, there was nothing on me that she finger banged. Just for clarification.